News

This page features news relevant to cinema. I don't have what you would call connections, so instead of posting news that hasn't been revealed before, I just comment on news that's already been reported, often with massive doses of sarcasm and/or ridicule.


Hollywood Interested in Book About Osamacidal Navy SEALs - 05.02.11

As everyone knows, a certain mass murderer got his head pumped full of American lead yesterday, and the democratic peoples of the world took to the streets in celebration. Like most people, I would never derive joy from the death of a fellow human being, but in this case, I'm willing to derive joy from the death of a fellow human being (or at least some flavor of grim satisfaction). Yeah, yeah, the fight isn't over, he's just one man, it won't bring back the people he murdered, his death will transform him into a martyr and could inspire reprisals—but the fact remains that Osama bin Laden is dead. HA HA HA. Have fun rotting at the bottom of the sea, asshole. The goldfish can nibble away at your bones once the sharks are done with you. But look on the bright side: At least that hole in your head will come in handy if all of your virgins turn out to be men.

A book about the six Navy SEALs who carried out the mission will be published this very month, and Hollywood has shown interest in adapting it into a movie. In response to the news, cries of "Too soon!" rang out from terrorist camps across the world, the inhabitants of which then promptly retreated to their bombed-out holes to issue death threats, cry, and write letters to the studios indicating they were deeply offended. Hollywood has chosen to continue pursuing the project anyway as Islamic radicals (a key box office demographic) threatened to boycott the film, blow up the production, and behead the producers on international television. In response, Hollywood asked to option the rights to the telecast, backing out when a mutually satisfactory offer could not be reached.


Avatar Does Well - 01.26.10

James Cameron has dethroned James Cameron as director of the world's highest-grossing film, giving himself the position he's held for 12 years and inspiring dozens of witty reporters to use the headline "Avatar Sinks Titanic." After amassing a freakish $1.843 billion during its theatrical run, Titanic rested on top for over a decade without a single serious challenge to its crown. Now, less than six weeks after its release, Avatar has surpassed the total Titanic required months to attain. Of course, Avatar is only the highest-earning film on lists unadjusted for inflation, but why let a little context dampen Fox's newfound gains in the perpetual box office dick-measuring competition?

Fox, who codistributed Titanic with Paramount, is surely thrilled to have finally released a record-breaking Cameron film that can gracefully produce a sequel (though I'm sure Titanic 2: Zombies of Atlantis was strongly considered). In fact, Cameron has plans for at least one sequel and possibly a trilogy. I suspect Fox will greenlight the project, but only time will tell.


New Spider-Man Director Announced, Journalists Amused - 01.24.10

Sony recently announced that the release of Spider-Man 4 has been postponed from May 2011 to never. Director Sam Raimi, reportedly unhappy with the script, decided it was impossible to meet the studio's deadline while still delivering a good film. Though Raimi did well with the franchise's first film and extremely well with the second, Spider-Man 3 suggests that the fourth movie's cancellation may indeed be the best way to maximize its creative integrity. Much respect to Raimi for valuing quality over his paycheck.

Rather than assign Spider-Man 4 to a new director, Sony has decided to restart the series with a new director and cast, a decision unrelated to the 2005 reboot of Batman and its enormous success. The new film (set for release in 2012) will focus more on Peter Parker's high school years, a decision unrelated to the popularity of the Twilight franchise, and it will be filmed in 3D, a decision unrelated to Avatar's record-shattering box office performance. Set to replace Raimi as director is Marc Webb, known for his critically acclaimed (500) Days of Summer. I was going to make a joke about his surname's homophonous relationship with a spider-related construction, but someone beat me to it:

Having delivered the most reliable comedic crutch since "that's what she said" and the industry's biggest laugh riot since Mike Bigelow directed a certain Rob Schneider film, Sony is ready to milk the shit out of its flagship cash cow. However, Marc Webb's obvious talent may prevent the series from degenerating into a soulless string of products. Frankly, it's too soon to tell; I'll have more as this story develops.

In other news, the Republicans have won a filibuster-enabling 41st seat in the Senate, threatening the passage of the health care bill and making the Democrats very, very angry. But no one gives a shit about that.


God Damn Our Celebrity-Worshiping Culture - 12.10.09

I was recently on the internet searching for child pornography (so I could contact the authorities and have it removed) when I stumbled upon the following non-news item:

Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher flirt on Twitter

ANI
Saturday, December 5, 2009 13:43 IST

Washington: Hollywood star couple Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have turned to online flirting - when they posted a series of messages on Twitter.com, uploading pictures of themselves to form a photographic conversation.

The couple was sitting in separate rooms of their Los Angeles home when the Ghost star wrote a greeting on her hand, took a photo and pasted it on Kutcher's Twitter page, reports the Daily Express.

They even made dinner plans inking words on their skin and even allowing Moore's teenage daughter Tallulah to join in.

However, the online conversation turned a bit racy at the end with Moore scrawling "Bed time?" across her hand and chest, followed by, "Race you to the bedroom," with Kutcher replying, "4 sure (sic)."

That's it. That's the entire article. Annoying celebrity garbage invades the headlines every day, but I can't recall another story so staggeringly devoid of content. At least when the media bombard us with stories about Britney Spears losing her mind or Paris Hilton going to jail, something has happened. Something stupid and irrelevant, but something. Celebrities flirting over Twitter is of no consequence to anyone, even when their advances are as shockingly lurid as detailed above. By the way, I hate everyone mentioned in this article.


New Moon Sucks, Makes Money Anyway - 11.21.09

The Twilight Saga: New Moon has set a new record for opening day box office earnings with a haul of $72.7 million, beating The Dark Knight's previous record of $67.2 million. Please join me in a moment of silence for the public's cinematic taste.

...

Thank you. This is a hard day for movie lovers everywhere. The critics have spoken, the public has ignored, and a preventable tragedy has been allowed to occur. Well done, North America. Your one chance to drive a stake through this franchise's heart, and you blew it. All we can do now is helplessly observe as similar catastrophes overtake the rest of the world within the next few days. I fear the End Times are finally upon us.

God help us all.


Bonnie and Clyde Remake Set to Suck - 11.13.09

This news is actually very old, but I only recently started this site, it concerns one of my favorite films, and it's so stupid I just had to make fun of it. A remake of the 1967 classic Bonnie and Clyde (about real-life Depression-era gansters Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow) is in development, and it will feature Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers in the title roles. Duff is, of course, best known for her starring role in a crappy Disney Channel sitcom and for her subsequent, equally crappy film and music career, and you might remember Zegers from the modern classic Air Bud and its three sequels. Remakes of classic films almost always suck, but I take comfort in knowing that two Hollywood legends like Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty have been replaced by two actors most famous for starring in shit.

In response to the news that Duff would be getting the role she once played, Dunaway said, "Couldn't they have at least cast a real actress?" This ignited a minor catfight when Duff replied, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is. I think [what Faye said] was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now too." Hilary's correct; more young people have heard of her than of Faye Dunaway. But that doesn't prove she's a real actress. Actually, it's fucking sad. Dunaway stopped appearing in good films decades ago, but she's been in some great ones, and she'll be remembered long after the various no-talent products of the Disney star machine have permanently faded from public memory. Oh, and Hilary—it's not nice to insult people for getting uglier as they grow old. In fact, it makes you look like a prick. Cut that out. It's not Dunaway's fault you have no talent.

The remake, to be directed by Tonya S. Holly, will be called The Story of Bonnie and Clyde, named for a poem written by the real Bonnie Parker. Holly has said that the new film won't actually be a remake, instead focusing on parts of the duo's lives not covered in the original film. I guess that means she won't be including such nonessential bits as their decision to pursue a career in crime or their infamously violent demise. The events depicted in the 1967 movie are necessary for telling their story; expect any differences between the old film and the new one to be superficial. Directors making new versions of classic films always insist their movies aren't remakes, instead calling them "reimaginings" or some such bullshit. It's going to be a remake. But does that guarantee it will suck? For the answer, take another glance at the cast list.


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